What Not To Be For Halloween

Look, I know that anonymously judging other people on the internet plus 25 cents will get me a phone call. I know I can't actually change anyone's minds if they have it set. But let me please, please implore of you: DO NOT BE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING COSTUMES THIS HALLOWEEN. They are played out. A lot of people have beef with the idea of "sexy" costume like sexy nurse, sexy panther, sexy cop, etc... Look, if you're going to dress as a sexy witch, there's no advice I can give you about how cheesy it might be. God bless you if you want to take one day of the year to look extra slutty. I have much bigger fish to try with these costumes which purport to be clever and culturally savvy. Here they are:

Rollergirl from Boogie Nights: You will only remind people that you don't look as good as Heather Graham. It's a bad idea to do a "sexy" costume that's modeled after someone way sexier than any real life girl is.




Freudian Slip: I remember reading in an interview with Julia Stiles in 2001 that this was her Halloween costume. I know it's an easy last-minute costume, but do you really want to cop Julia's stile?






Richie/Margot Tennenbaum: C'mon. This isn't even easy like the "Freudian Slip", so you can't have that as an excuse. This is just super played out on top of being borderline lame to begin with.




The girl from Pulp Fiction: This movie is 14 years old (!), and this costume has been done about 14,000 times. It also usually involves fake cocaine makeup, which is a real pet peeve.

How to Enjoy Sparks

A lot of people ask me what's the best way to drink Sparks, and I always tell them there's no one way.  It's a beautiful cornucopia of personal style.

You can serve it like punch from a fountain:

Or drink it with a straw:


But most importantly, always enjoy it with a friend:

Full disclosure: Sparks Brewing Company paid me $1 million to write this.

$1 million in pure liquid Sparks.

Breaking the Ice

Sorry buddy, I wish I could tell you it gets easier when you're older to come up with an opening line to talk girls at parties, but it doesn't.

Party Hints: Birthdays

There's nothing worse than when people go overboard celebrating their birthdays. If you've ever had to go to someone's birthday party on a Saturday night, and then go out to dinner and then drinks with them on Tuesday when it's their actual birthday, you know what I mean. I swear, if I ever hear someone utter the phrase "my birthday weekend", I want to impale myself with a cake serving knife. YOU ONLY GET ONE DAY. Your mother did not shove you back up her vagina for an extra 2 days so you could come out again on a Friday night.

If you really NEED a second day out of the year you can make cake and invite all your friends over, just throw your dog a birthday. Everyone loves dog birthdays, and no one feels obligated to bring presents. Problem solved.


Look at his adorable frosting mustache!

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

One thing a lot of couples forget about when planning their wedding reception is the smoke machine. And what's a first dance to "Unchained Melody" if it doesn't look like you're at a Great White concert?

Technology Advice

I'm no Joshua Topolsky, but even I know this isn't a good way to handle your laptop.

Bad Location for a Pinata Party

Who am I kidding? ANYWHERE is a great location for a pinata fiesta.

Party Foul

TWWEEEEEEET!!!  

Party foul, guy in soccer jersey:  Not knowing how to talk to girls and wearing a soccer jersey when not actually playing soccer.

Party Hints: How to Meet People

Sometimes, you'll find yourself in an awkward moment at a party where you don't really have any one to talk to. When this happens, I recommend you give a little impromptu demonstration of how you perform oral sex. It will make people instantly like you, and it also solves the problem of what to do with your hands.

Party Hints: Guitar Hero pt. 2

Middle aged white guys with acoustic guitars are welcome at every party. Anywhere. No questions asked.

Disregard everything I said before about how busting out the guitar ruins a party.



Just kidding.

Which is worse?

The tiara or the top hat?

Guitar Hero

Isn't is always awkward when someone whips out a guitar at a party? I had to hide the guitar in my apartment after a while to stop guests from doing this and ruining the party.



Actually, that rule doesn't apply if it's this guy. He's welcome to jam anytime:

Beer Fairy

This guy really understands how simple social dynamics at a party are. You can look like the biggest weirdo out there, but as long as you're bringing the beer, you're everyone's best friend.

Party Hints: Theme Decorations

When you're throwing an orgy, the proper mood setting is very important. Dim the lights, tack up some blacklight posters, and toss some Luther Vandross on the tape deck.

I really recommend you stay away from streamers and helium balloons of the Yellow M&M guy. The M& M guys are proven boner killers.

All's Well That Ends Well

Trust me, this is not going to end well.

I Hate You Mom and Dad!

YOU NEVER GOT ME AN R2D2 IN A TUXEDO FOR MY BIRTHDAY! YOU RUINED MY CHILDHOOD!!!!!!!

Party Hints: Boob Cake Age Limit

When planning a surprise party, a question many people have is, "when someone too old to get them a boob cake for his or her birthday?" It's safe to say the cutoff is about 25 years younger than this guy.

Possible exceptions to this rule include:
- if he's recently been release from prison
- after a nasty divorce
- if he's actually a manchild like Robin Williams in "Jack"

Let's hope it's one of those.

Party Hint: Wedding Guest Etiquette

Shirtless drunk arm-wrestling is usually fairly harmless. Unless you're like these guys, who are actually doing this at their friend's wedding reception (it's a little hard to tell from this single photo, but the it's from a whole set of wedding pictures). Which is pretty much a good guarantee that your buddy's new wife will never let him hang out with you guys again.

Q: When is it not a good idea to do another keg stand?

A: When you've already pissed your pants.

If only for the sake of your friends who have to lift you.