Fuck Off, I Can Stand On My Own

That's literally what this photo was titled on Flickr.



These guys look so clearly British, they might as well put this photo on the pound note.

Halloween Fiesta

S-s-s-s-s-s-somebody stop me! I've got Halloween fever!

According to this person's description for their photo, their grandmother is the babe in the tiger outfit. ME-OW.


Skunky pussy:


At first I thought this was a really awesome costume of the eSurance.com cartoon pitchwoman, but then I realized it was just a cat with a wicked reverse muffintop.


Speaking of reverse muffintop, this girdle is doing to his manboobs the same thing the same thing it's doing to my desire to ever be intimate with another human ever again: slowly squeezing the last succulent morsels of life out of it.

Thanks to Lindsay for sending me this picture of her friends.


(Thanks to Peter W. for this photo!)

Good Halloween Costumes (Kinda)

If you haven't thought of your Halloween costume idea by today, you're pertty much screwed. I only got my costume idea on Sunday: sexy smallpox blanket. It kind of stinks, I know. I wish I was one of those people who make really impressive extravagant homemade costumes.

Here's some people that made pretty good ones:

Coke mirrior:



Homemade Stay-Puft Ghostbusters guy (kind of wonky, but looks like a lot of work):

(Thanks to Gina for the photo)

Lastly, I'm not usually a sucker for Sesame Street nostalgia, but these are really good homemade costumes, and this photo really blissed me out for a second before I got too self-conscious:


Send me your great costume photos from last year or good ideas for this year!!!

Wedding Kegstand

This isn't the first photo I've found on Flickr of a bride and groom doing kegstands at their wedding, but by god, I hope it's not the last.

Punk'd - You're Hitler!

A Family Wedding Story

When you're feeling like you'll never find someone to love your hideous face, crummy personality, and Asian porno addiction, just think of this photo and remember what a German lesbian camp counselor once told my friend Jane:

"There's a top for every pot."


Thanks Amy, for sending me this fap fantasy of a lifetime. For more sensual portraiture, please visit Sexy People.
This Flickr used has a really great collection of 70s wedding photos, click on the photo for the set.  Several generations of magical Staten Island weddings.

Cowabunga!

Thanks to Pete for the photo.

Skittles Ravers

Here's the funny story about this photo. Ashely D. was looking up "x'd out", as in when you do a strike-through font. But when she did an image search, this was what she found.

Playing Footsie

I don't really understand the whole foot fetish thing, but here's my feeling about it: if someone asks you to suck on your toes or mess around with your feet, go ahead and let them; it's no skin of your teeth. I sure ain't going to put anyone else's foot in my mouth, but it's no harm to me to let someone else have their fun, right? I say, hakuna matata. If someone asked me to take a dump on them, then fine. I was planning on taking one today anyway. I just don't want one on me.

So, I can understand why you'd allow some buy in a hot tub to go to town on your toesies like they were Jolly Rachers. But at the same time, don't you think that the whole time, you'd kind of be thinking, "this guy is fucking bonkers out of his mind"?

Tolerance yet prejudice. Isn't that the dark battle that looms in all our hearts?

Death by Party

Check out the girl in red passed out and being crushed to death. Thanks to Ashley who sent this photo of her departed friend. Unfortunately, the girl died and no one noticed until it was time to clean up the party the next morning. Very tragic.


Just kidding.

Sexy Total Recall Costumes

A lot of women use Halloween as an excuse to wear sexy outfits they would never wear any other time of year. However, it can get confusing when you combine a skimpy outfit with a costume idea that's inherently not sexy. Like the 3 boobed lady from Total Recall.

A Mother's Strength

You always hear about how a mother can get super strength to lift a car to save her baby that's trapped underneath. But what about if there was a keg emergency, and you couldn't get your beer into your mouth fast enough?

Antiquing Flour

My friend Liam sent me a cryptic email suggesting I search "antiquing flour" on Flickr. A quick search revealed that quite a lot of people have been flagrantly ignoring the many warnings on "Jackass" not to copy any of its stunts. And I guess this is one of the less dangerous ones, I'm still glad to see that a bunch of our fine armed services members are participating in this. I'd be concerned if some 12 year olds were endangering themselves by imitating Jackass stunts, but hey, these guys are tough. If anyone is going do it, it might as well someone whose not just tough, but Army tough.

Self Fulfilling Prophecy

If you were going to guess that someone at a party was going to piss their pants, you'd never in a million years pick the guy who was wearing a Budweiser shirt, right?

His friends who are giving the finger to the camera are the ravens in the sky that Tiresias reads as omens to mean this guy will never escape his destined fate.

Metal Dudes Party

It's Not Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiirr!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like someone told this guy it was his turn for a beer run.

Keep on Truckin'

There's three things a man loves in this world: his truck, his woman, and his cell-phone shoulder holster.



On Monday night I watched a PBS documentary about Lyndon B. Johnson, and one of his old friends quoted something Johnson said about why he avoided bringing up the "situation" in Vietnam (this was before the war really got started) during the 1964 election campaign: "If your mother-in-law has one eye, and it's in the middle of her forehead; you probably don't want to have her sit out in the living room."

Well, ol' LBJ might just hide these messes in the back room, but this groom confronts the ugly mother-in-law situation head on with American ingenuity and aplomb. Slap a sexy bikini lady tee shirt over her, and BAM! Mission accomplished! Is it obvious that everything I know about post-WWII U.S. history I learned from Forest Gump?


Thanks to Brad for this photo from a wedding photographer's site.

Asian Twinks

WTF? I thought that it was only old gay men who were into young Asian twinks. Lezbos too?!

It Came From Alaska, Part 2.

The following photos were posted by a Flickr user who found a random 1GB memory card along a trail in Denali National Park in Alaska. Now, I know that in theory, there's no difference between going onto Flickr and looking at a stranger's personal photos and going onto Flickr and looking at a photos that were posted by a third party who found the memory card - either way, you're looking at a stranger's photos - does it really matter if it was a third party or the guy himself who uploaded them? In a sense, all the photos on Flickr might as well be on memory cards found on a trail in Alaska.

Yet, there's something different. What do you think the guy who found the card thought when he first looked at the photos? The whole set is pretty funny - and apparently some of the more salacious photos ("The selection put up has been censored for the safety of whoever the girls might be who may have made some bad decisions"). Do you think the guy who lost the card is really upset that he's missing his memory card full of precious moments? Who was this rougish, beer-pong-loving ladies man? Most importantly, was the card owner the guy who peed his pants?

View the full set here.

Party in Midair Party Jam

What Not To Be For Halloween

Look, I know that anonymously judging other people on the internet plus 25 cents will get me a phone call. I know I can't actually change anyone's minds if they have it set. But let me please, please implore of you: DO NOT BE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING COSTUMES THIS HALLOWEEN. They are played out. A lot of people have beef with the idea of "sexy" costume like sexy nurse, sexy panther, sexy cop, etc... Look, if you're going to dress as a sexy witch, there's no advice I can give you about how cheesy it might be. God bless you if you want to take one day of the year to look extra slutty. I have much bigger fish to try with these costumes which purport to be clever and culturally savvy. Here they are:

Rollergirl from Boogie Nights: You will only remind people that you don't look as good as Heather Graham. It's a bad idea to do a "sexy" costume that's modeled after someone way sexier than any real life girl is.




Freudian Slip: I remember reading in an interview with Julia Stiles in 2001 that this was her Halloween costume. I know it's an easy last-minute costume, but do you really want to cop Julia's stile?






Richie/Margot Tennenbaum: C'mon. This isn't even easy like the "Freudian Slip", so you can't have that as an excuse. This is just super played out on top of being borderline lame to begin with.




The girl from Pulp Fiction: This movie is 14 years old (!), and this costume has been done about 14,000 times. It also usually involves fake cocaine makeup, which is a real pet peeve.

Dress for Success

My previous two posts have been about not giving a fuck and having lots of confidence in yourself. Here is the result when a person embodies those two concepts:

Alaskan Wedding

Alaska's been in the news a lot lately, and I've realized I really have very little idea about what it's actually like there. I don't think I've ever met anyone from Alaska, I've never been there, and I've only seen photos and film of the national parks, so I have no idea what the cities and towns are actually like. I have to imagine that the ethos of the Alaskans is very different, but I'm not exactly sure what that means.

When my friend Alissa sent me a link to a set of pictures of an Alaskan wedding, things started to crystallize for me a little. Guest were wearing jeans, rollerskating at the reception, and chugging beer straight from the pitcher, all with the cheerful approval of the bride and groom. The ethos I didn't understand was that they simply didn't give a fuck. And not just the self-conscious "I don't give a fuck what people think" that we say when we have the awareness to know what other people's judgments will be. I'm talking genuine not-giving-a-fuckness, where if giving a fuck is a choice you make between red and blue, people's opinions are on a spectrum of burgers or ice cream. The rest of us have wasted so much time giving a fuck about dumb stuff like flat-ironing our bangs, reading reviews of concerts we didn't even attend, and talking about being sick of answering questions about our tattoos. I'm so busy giving a fuck, it's a wonder I even learned to breathe.

The bride wore pink and boots:

Self Help

Most self help stuff like The Secret is really cheesy, and it's all just variations on "believe in yourself". But there is something to that idea. If you're going to go out on a limb and try something new and crazy, like grabbing a stranger's ass, you've really got to believe in it. Do it 110%. No looking back. You gotta sell it. You can't be like "I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY GRABBING THIS ASS!!!1!1!!"

This is the main concept behind my upcoming self help book, "Everything I Learned About Life I Learned From Dan Cortese: B.A.S.E Jumping Your Way to a Better You".


Thanks to Matthew for the photo.

Halloween Costume Ideas

I don't usually like to post pictures from costume parties because it's almost too easy - everybody looks funny in a costume. But it's getting close to Halloween, and I haven't decided on a costume yet, so I've been looking on Flickr for a little inspiration.

Here's a couple of costumes I'm considering:

1) Anguished sweaty guy on enough meth to believe he looks good enough shirtless to score some high school tail:


2) Anguished housewife on enough painkillers to believe that swinging won't ruin her marriage: